Tuesday, August 9, 2016
It's not about me, but it should be.
Recently I was accused (Is that the correct word? Makes me sound like a criminal.) of making other people feel as if they were on the back burner and of putting myself first in everything.
This makes me sad. Very sad. And I have devoted far too many hours rolling this around in my brain.
I was told that I have an agenda and everyone else in my life is controlled by what Lisa wants.
Once again, I am very, very saddened by this revelation.
I am the person who no one remembers, the person who has very few friends and is rather reclusive. I do not understand how everything is about me when I spend my days alone.
I go our of my way to be invisible, moving behind the scenes and being the onlooker. If I have accused MS for my actions, I apologize, and I will not mention it again. If the words multiple sclerosis never had to pass my lips again, I would be happy. I cannot apologize for something out of my control.
Which brings me to a very important detail: We have the ability to control what makes us happy with a little ambition and determination. Right now my life is very, very different than what it once was. I used to love going to football games and hanging with friends, being part of Mountaineer Nation. Through trial and error, though, I have discovered that this autumn event is just not possible any more...at least without dire consequences.
The heat+The walk+The inconvenient distance between me and the bathroom+The anxiety of all of the above=DISASTER.
It is not worth it to me when watching at home is far more comfortable. Of course the social element is missing, but, hey, I'm just one less Mountaineer Maniac that needs to be looked after.
I don't exercise much any more for much the same reasons that my spectator football activity has ceased.
To fill these voids I refuse to just sit on my behind and (literally AND figuratively) allow MS/lifestyle changes rule my life. I guess this is where it become all about me. I write books. I travel to different venues when invited to share those books. I am realizing a life long dream while trying to keep these activities isolated to my personal time and space. I rarely talk about writing with anyone other than other writers. I do not gloat on successes nor pout about disappointments. This is my personal and private bubble.
And I will NOT apologize for achieving this dream.
Not that I have been asked to do so. (Just venting a little...maybe a
I am not asking for pity. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just have to learn how to play the hand dealt me.
So, on a more positive note...
Last evening I attended a meeting at my church where I will be facilitating a self-help group for MS. This is not about me, even though I confess to being a bit excited about the opportunity. This part of West Virginia no longer has such a group and it is very much needed. This was reaffirmed when one of the other group facilitators mentioned a girl she knew from their sons playing ball together in school. This girl's MS had progressed to wheelchair stages and she often expressed a need to discuss her disease with other folks in the same boat.
This girl happened to be my dear, dear friend Jamie. My book I Have MS. What's Your Super Power?https://www.amazon.com/Have-Whats-Your-Super-Power/dp/1882658442/ref=sr_1_1_twi_pap_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1470747430&sr=1-1&keywords=i+have+ms.+what%27s+your+super+power is dedicated to Jamie. I miss her every day of my life and regret not being there more for her while she was still an angel on earth.
She is looking down on me right this minute and there is no doubt that what I am doing is important. Not just to me. To the thousands of individuals out there who need to talk, to share, to cry, to remember...
I'm not gong to waste my time apologizing for what I do with my time. I plan to rejoice in this new chapter of my life.
So, if my agenda appears a little Lisa-Heavy, so be it.
Bring some joy into another person's life this week,