Yep, the theme of my rant today is a popular animated movie title; but the words sum up my thoughts precisely. I've not had a great couple of days. I'm light headed. My muscles are atrophied and I just don't feel right. I have even allowed myself to succumb to senseless crying spells (alone of course). I do not like this. My husband wants so badly to help and that he can "see it in my eyes". Since the eyes are supposedly the windows to the soul, I feel like it might be wise to wear dark shades in public so that my pain is hidden from view. I just do not like sharing my personal "stuff" with other folks.
Especially the skeptics. Y'know: those poor ignorant folks who insist on proclaiming that MS is a catch-all term for abusers of the "system".
Ah... don't get me started. It would take too much out of me on this, the first day I have felt like doing anything in a week. I plan to "let it go" and find something productive to charge my day and erase whatever my husband sees in my eyes. I will meet him at the door this afternoon with renewed life in my emerald greens, even if that means extra mascara.
The best thing I have found to assist in "letting go" is to learn something new, step outside of my comfort zone, feed my inner super hero and avoid my personal kryptonite ( I Have MS. What's Your super Power? http://www.amazon.com/Have-Whats-Your-Super-Power).
So, this morning I forced myself off the couch and onto the floor (not a big feat since that's where I have been spending a lot of time lately) to participate in Kurt Johnsen's daily yoga class on Veria's "Yoga for Life". I was actually "late for class" and tuned in for the last 20 minutes. But that was enough to help me stretch with Kurt and then continue on my own for another 20 minutes. I mean, I was already down there inspecting my carpet, so I figured I would take advantage of the situation. This definitely placed me out of my comfort zone, physically; but it felt good as well. What did I learn from my early morning floor party? I need to stretch EVERY DAY. Of course, I already knew that, but I don't always listen to myself. Kurt also offered his daily Yoga on the Go advice: drink or water. Not only does it help with weight loss; it is a mood enhancer. Goodbye, coffee. Hello, water. (Well, when the pot is empty. Don't want to get too far ahead of myself:)
After my stretching experience, I hurried to the bathroom mirror to check out my soul windows, but they didn't look any different, so I realized that I wasn't finished letting it go" for the morning. I hate to give too much credit to my disease and refuse to blame every little ailment on multiple sclerosis. Sure, it's a big part of my life - actually a HUGE part of my life - but I refuse to give it that much credit. MS is part of my life, but it doesn't define who I am. I do have a vested interest in the subject, though. I try to read as much as I can about MS, as long as the reading doesn't cast a darker cloud on the already gloomy topic. When I want to learn something new, I often turn to Multiple Sclerosis for Dummies. I just love the for Dummies books. There is one for practically any topic on the face of the earth. The language is simplistic and common sense rules every message.
Any way, Multiple Sclerosis for Dummies is my go-to guide for MS. I randomly flipped my copy open to page 14 to rediscover that MS is 2 to 3 times more common in women. Okay, old news. Men typically are diagnosed later in life than women and move primarily to the primary-progressive stage upon diagnosis. Sorry, guys. MS is evidently a white disease, but is not partial to race or ethnicity. According to Multiple Sclerosis for Dummies, the farther one lives from the equator, greater are the chances of developing MS. Hmmmm...This information develops further in an additional paragraph at the bottom of page 15: "An interesting wrinkle in the geographical data - which no one can yet explain - suggests that timing may be the key. Data, particularly from Israel and South Africa, suggest that people who migrate from their birthplace before puberty take on the MS risk factor of their new home, where as people who migrate after puberty maintain thew risk level associated with their birthplace." Can I hear another Hmmmm....?
Another fun fact I learned from my morning reading: MS is NOT an inherited disease. I think I already knew that, but it is interesting to know that I can stop blaming my ancestors. In fact, I feel reassured even further when I read about lifestyle elements. All of my years exposed to the sun's rays while working as a lifeguard did NOT cause me to be diagnosed, although vitamin D is very, very important in dealing with MS. So, I take my vitamin D every week. Smoking and diet cannot be directly linked to MS, but my friend Common Sense should wave his scarlet flag in from of us all. We can control our MS to a certain point. Although my faithful hand book suggests that Inuits are not at risk to get MS because of their fish-heavy diet. Well, I do not mind eating fish maybe once a week, but husband and son usually snarl at their dinner plates and refuse to talk to me until a peace offering of calorie infused dessert if offered to cleanse their palate.
When I was diagnosed, my mother insisted on worrying herself with all the "what if's" and "should haves" possible. It surely must be her fault. If only she had done this or done this differently her daughter would not suffer from this cruel condition. Well, Mom, it isn't your fault. It is what it is. There is nothing that can be done to reverse or erase my multiple sclerosis. So, get over it. "Let it go!"
I wold love to tell her this and, even more, for her to believe it and move on. But mother's aren't made like that. Our roles have shift and daughter is in the tough love seat.
Aha, another lesson for today! Tuesday is just getting better and better.
Before the wheels fall off and I revert back to a dark mindset, it is time to grab some breakfast, a glass of water (coffee pot is empty), maybe take a bubble bath and shave my legs (ugh-o, Mr. I Can See It in our Eyes), and enjoy today.