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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013 and misunderstood

So...I decided yesterday that I cannot handle my life successfully if I have to be responsible for how MY life affects other people...what is happening to me is not a personal attack on others...
     Let me explain....
On December 14, 2000, at the age of 40, I gave birth to a miracle...my son. Six months later I collapsed and  after a week of hospitalization I was officially diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. For the first summer of my son's life I had to depend upon other people to care for my  little darling because I could not walk, had limited feeling in my arms, and suffered impaired speech. Four weeks after my diagnosis, I began a life long commitment to self injections to help ward off future diseased related symptoms. Every other day I had to "shoot up" so that soon my body was covered with thumbnail bruises and my energy level was cut practically in two. I continued to self-inject until I "accidentally" made the decision to discontinue my use of this still experimental drug. It's been two years and I am no better or worse than I was in 2001.
     MS is a tricky little condition, though. I have developed a drop foot that makes walking a challenge and running a skill of my early years. That's okay. My quality of living is far more impressive without the drug. I have more energy and can cognitively focus much better. Depression is a problem, though, especially coupled with the fun of pre-menopause. Yep, that's a delicious cocktail.
     So, here's my vent: On a daily basis I must worry about whether or not today I will wet myself because my MS bladder no longer registers appropriate turn on/turn off. I hate fire drills at school because I can't get up and down stairs quickly enough, but must provide a positive example for my students.(I plan to go down with the ship if the time comes.) My balance is atrocious and I fall often...and it often hurts...but I have to get back up and laugh it off so as to not scare my now 12 year old or show weakness to my husband or any other witness. My eye sight is really getting weird and I do not trust myself to drive at night because I can't discern between headlights and my halo and tracer companions. Sometimes it all becomes more than too much for me and I cannot control the tears. It's frightening to me and more than upsetting to my family...butg they need to understand that it is not personal.
     Sometimes I just need to feel sorry for myself...
     So, in 2013, I give myself permission to wallow in self-pity on occasion.
Thanks for listening.
   


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